Things have been good except I feel fat this week but that’s because I’ve been too busy to work out #gay
Otherwise thought I’m very content and happy about life and like myself and just my life and being me
and my friends knew i didn’t wanna go to the stupid fucking new years party and i just wanted to go do something fun and we had other plans kind of and now suddenly they’re all going???? and they have cute outfits and they’re excited????? so i guess i just have nothing else to do except sit at home and hate myself or sit at the party and hate myself???????????????????????? so good. that is good. i’m excited for 2013 and i am excited to ring in another new year in another TERRIBLE MOOD FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW.
and instead i’m trapped inside who i am and i hate myself
i want to feel beautiful and have fun
i want to be important and influential and interesting and someone special and different and i’m just not. i wish i was. i want to be special. i want to be beautiful, i want to be loved. i want to be the source of want. i want to be the source of desire, of envy. but i’m not. no one desires me. no one envies me. i want to feel as if i am something that no one else is, that i’m something different, something no one knows, an enigma, but i’m not. i want to do what other people don’t. i want to be indescribable. i want to be brilliant, shining, fantastic. i’m none of these things. i want to be a diamond. i want to be fascinating. i want to be admired. i don’t know why i can’t be, but i can’t be. i don’t know what it is that’s holding me back. i have to assume it’s my weight, but who knows if it is, really? what if i get to my ideal weight and things remain the same? what will i do then? what if i never get to my ideal weight? it seems impossible. i can’t see myself as a skinny girl. it probably won’t ever happen. i know i won’t ever be any of these things. but what if i get to my ideal weight and none of these things come true? what will i do? how will i continue to try to become someone new, someone brilliant, shining, fascinating, enviable, desirable? i don’t know.
i am literally the world’s biggest bullshitter when it comes to giving apologies i don’t really want to give and it’s sort of a problem. i tend to just give way when i’m mad at people to make things right or non tense and i don’t know why i do it and hopefully i don’t continue to do it when problems directly involve me.
i’m so done going out of my way for you
there is SUCH a reason why whenever we have a good night i never tweet #vivalastupodiumotheriuhjfiCSKFJmASKJDNKJntruibe after it anymore. because it’s gay. that is why. that is the reason. please go away. PLEASE goO aw AAYYy yyayyay HAA AHah
i just don’t understand what i’m doing wrong. i don’t understand what it is that makes me so completely undesirable. aside from the fact that i’m overweight, i honestly do think that i’m a pretty girl sometimes. i thought i looked nice tonight. i think it would be easier if i saw what people see in me that makes me so horrible and ugly and untouchable. but i don’t see. i don’t get it. i have no idea. i don’t understand what’s wrong with me and i don’t know how to change it. i’m so sick of my life.